Thursday, 13 July 2017

'Carousing' for Wizards

 Jeff Rients' famous 'carousing table' has seen a lot of use in my game, as has Zak Smith's jazzed up interpretation. Here's a version specifically for wizards, meant to simulate magic experimentation of the general kind...the sort of thing I think your party magic users are going to get up to, rather than the drinking and whoring of the original versions. I guess they could still use the other tables depending upon the circumstances.

Ultimately, I intend to create a similar table for clerics, who, when it comes to carousing, are probably an even bigger source of cognitive dissonance/ice cream head ache. I'll get round to that eventually. You've probably noticed my production rate approaches the glacial. In the meantime:


Wizard's Wizardly Activities Table
1  Insult high ranking local magus. Hard charisma check. Failure, you gain this wizard as an enemy. Also he/she sees to it, that you'll be learning no spells from any 'official' sources in this area. Success and the magus lets it go, though he/she may tap you up for an adventure sooner or later. Respect will do that.

2 Mutation. Your mystic meddling fucks you right up. Roll on your DMs favourite mutation table. Roll a d6. On a 1 you gain another. Roll again. On a 1 you gain yet another. That's it though.

3 Withering. You age d10 years.

4 Doppleganger. A perfect double crawls out of your arse. It becomes your implacable enemy, opposing with equal force, every scheme you undertake. Killing it only hurts you (gain a random insanity and it comes back the next night). Got to to find some more mystic technique.

5 wild magic infection. The next time you cast a spell, roll a d20. On a 1, roll on wild magic table/magic mishap table of your choice. This occurs until you purify yourself in some reasonably cool manner.

6 Magic disease. You contract a magical disease. There are loads of these knocking around various sources. Here's three for you.
 1: Object lycanthropy. turn into a particular, randomly generated household object every full moon. can still talk and cast spells.
 2: Royal Swell. Slowly become huge, pseudo-berry. Multiply your Con by 0.5 THat's how many days it takes to turn into an immobile ball full of blood juice that attracts a certain kind of blood drinking moth (capable of passing on disease). Turquoise Sphere Moths, I reckon.
3. Phase Instabilty. Every time you enter a stressful situation, make a CON save/save vs magic. Failure means you become ethereal and cannot interact with the wolrd for d3 hours. You take d6 hp when this occurs. If you die due to this, you become a spectre. You also become visible to a peculiar kind of astral predator that enjoys haning arounsd wizards, the Wetiko. Let's say they're kind of like wolves, except they look like transparent, dog sized mole-lampreys.
7 Summon outsider with your blasphemous mirror gazing. Roll a d10 1-6 lesser demon/angel, 7-9 greater demon 10-aspect of a demon prince. Check reaction table. If good, it imparts to you an ancient demonic language that everyone will get hot and bothered about. Neutral and it turns up to offer a pact of some kind. Hostile and, well...

8 Offend a god. God turns its clerics against you in visions.  Will keep meddling with you like Hera in Clash of the Titans, you're just a piece on her chess board baby. You better make reparations somehow. Select the god from your pantheon randomly.

9 Haunting. Yes you've managed to attract a 1-ghost 2-spectre 3-poltergeist 4-lesser demon 5-wraith 6-shadow. It's now going to haunt you and mess with your stuff/affairs, until it is successfully exorcised or its needs are met.

10 Reality damage. You completely fuck the area in which you were working. It's now a portal into infinite chaos and nothing works as it should. Indeed, the portal eats at the threads of reality, growing steadily bigger, until an army can get through (say).

11 Political enemy. You've stood on some toes with one of your weird schemes. 1-burgomeister 2-judge 3-noble 4-banker 5-merchant 6-gang boss   1-turned child into frog thing 2-embarrased by vision 3-mess up a scheme 4-make feel stupid 5-embarrass an ancestor 6-accidentally blow up a family member.

12 Join a brotherhood. Who's it gonna be? 1-John Godwin Society (Anti-aristocrat judge, jury, executioners) 2-Glommers (Like Masons except they like to form into a big giant and go rampaging across the countryside) 3-Cult of Woe (Worship apocalyptic sentient sun from other dimension, really into patterned garden arranging) 4-The Yoon Suin Society (Dedicated to preserving monopoly on far-Eastern trade) 5-The Inverted Eye (Secret theurgic police dedicated to the banning of sorcery and the severe punishment of those that do practice) 6-The Black Bugle (Carry secret mail of varying kinds across the continent, always dangerous,seditious, mind rending).

13 Failed experiment. You created something awful.
1-Rampaging, headless flesh golem
2-An area of space that leads into an endless abyss, the portal invisible.
3-Hyde, turn into genius ogre under DM control when you get drunk, have sex, learn a new spell. 4-Accidentally create super addictive food stuff that is actually toxic, like sugar but much worse. Yes, it's been stolen.
5-Turn all the grain in 5 mile radius into lead pellets
6-Unleash d30 random molds
7-Begin to shrink first by an inch, then doubling each day.
8-Swap heads with nearest animal.
9-Create a multi-dimensional meme that cannot be grasped. Lose 1d3 charisma, you can't stop talking about it and failing.
10-Touch turns everything into electrum.
12-You create a crystal fractal which begins to eat up the world, growing by 1 foot each day. THrough the crystal, the world is being recreated, the process like a hall of mirrors continuing endlessly
13-sex change
14-create ambitous familiar thing which likes to cause misery for cosmic status. If it dies, so do you. 15-your thoughts are exhaed from your ears in a silvery liquid each night. Drinking this liquid allows someone instant knowledge of your toal being.
16-Unleash d30 random oozes
17-Trapped in Astral body. Connected by cord. Can never leave 30 feet of body. It will not wake up. 18-Blow up lab. Take 6d6 damage and are badly scarred, lose 1d3 CHA
19-Blow up neighborhood, kill d100, take 8d6 damage and ae badly scarred as above.
20-Wake up and you've plucked out your eyes. You're now blind. Also, take 4d6 damage.

14 Marked by the Church. The Church or a particular branch of the Church that hates wizards, has now marked you as a diabolist/heretic. Whether or not they move against you, depends upon your social class. Only nobility are able to avoid an immediate arrest attempt.

15 Start a religion. Your notes fall into the hands, of a small circle of hard-core loons. They use them to create a new religion, with you as the L.Ron Hubbard figure. Roll one of your spells randomly. this spell serves as the fundamental, theological underpinning of the religion. For example, Charm Person suggests 'Love Thy Neighbour', Fireball suggests 'Purify Corruption with Fire', Animate Dead 'Dead Flesh is Holy' and so on. This congregation will interefere in your adventures on a roll of 1 on a d6/session. They will ultimately hold you to their own strict interpretation of your research notes/new bible.

16 Offend the community. Peasants now regard you as a monster. They shun and fear you. Advantage on Intimidation checks. Disadvantage on all other social rolls. They will usually blame you for generalised mishaps in their lives...milk curdling, still births, bad harvests, sock puppets...you know the drill.

17 Attract apprentice. Awesome, a level 0 apprentice starts pestering you for teaching. You must give 10% of your earned XP to this apprentice (assume level 1 is reached at 500 xp). They will develop as any normal henchman, possibly growing to love you, possibly growing to hate you. You must teach them 1spell per level (and pay for it as if you were learning yourself), else they leave your tutelage and spread slanderous shit about you wherever they go.

18 Madness. Find a madness table. Roll on it. You're now that mad. Duration=1d8 1-6 months 7 a year and a day 8 permo.

19 Transported to other place. First roll a d6 1-3 alone! 4-6 somehow you drag the party there. Where to?
1-Carcosa
2-Voivodja
3-Formalhaut
4-The Veins of the Earth
5-The Moon
6-The Abyss
7-Hell
8-Island of Purple Haunted Putresence
9-17th Century England
10-New York 1982
11-Aboard an alien space craft
12- Inside the pages of the King in Yellow play
13-Hollow World
14-Mirror Dimension
15-Trinity Test site, July , 5:25am, July 16, 1945
16- The Misty Isle of the Eld
17- Palace of the Silver Princess
18- The Maze of the Blue Medusa
19- Sky Fortress
20- Something like Heaven

20 Dweomer mutation- One of your spells undergoes a random d/evolution. See Here and here.

Onwards!







Friday, 12 May 2017

A Goblin Wedding

Sometimes, goblin weddings. (Lots of inspiration from Arnold K and Zak S, shhh)

Yes, I have a Goblin King. I guess he's David Bowie.


The wedding takes place in a

1. Giant old galleon, somehow landlocked
2. Field of poppies exhaling surreal posions. Dining tables & chairs amongst them.
3. Enormous, holed apple. Giant worms of course.
4. A kind of arena, replete with beast pens/gates for when things get boring.
5. A pavillion of linked goblins, tumbling and straining. Tickle and see!
6. A mountain of shite, within which wallow the celebrants.
7. A cathedral, wherein gravity is reversed.
8. The gullet of a lobotomised and bound giant.
9. On an experimental wedding zeppelin.
10. In the mirror of a human castle. Leads to Goblin City.
11. On a city roaming parade float, heaved by trolls.
12. In an exqusite origami palace lit by flaming torches.



Entertainment

1. Fire artists, far too dangerous (and explosive).
2. Captured human fiddler, worked to exhaustion. Keeps being prodded.
3. Goblin opera singer, gets smaller as she sings... people who can hear her swell up.
4. Jousting on inappropriate mounts. Humans are a good bet. Whatever, roll on a random animal chart. (Zak S, naturally)
5. Trussed human captive being tossed around for luck. Each table takes a piece.
6. Goblin Morris Dancers starting fights between camps, employing insulting, custom dances.
7. Goblins smacking guests with huge fish. Ocasionally fish animates and eats whatever is near, before asphyxiating.
8. Races for the young goblins. They are encouraged by mutant rats.
9. Pin the Tail (on the captured priest/nun).
10. Mallett wielding, blind folded goblin, tries to hit goblins intent on stabbing him/her to death.
11. Bride and groom have sex with as many goblins as possible.
12. Ring toss with bound captives. Rings are rats tied together at the tail.

BONUS Worst Man contest, an inevitable bit, sees goblins try to outdo one another in boorishness. Often ends in murder.

Obviously, I was going to put this here.


Hors d'ouvres (Effects last for an hour/instantaneous/or otherwise noted)

  1. Monkey Brains (+2 INT and random insanity. Save vs posion or become addicted)
  2. Jellied Man Tongue (+2 CHA and self loathing)
  3. Wee Lil' Squids (Mmm. Heal 1d4 dam. Poo Lil squids for d3 weeks. each weekly batch 10% chance of one growing into a Mind Flayer somehow. Probably sees you as mum.)
  4. Baked Babies (Permo madness)
  5. Genitals from something. (Just don't. You did? Hyper, cross species fertility for d 3 weeks)
  6. Ball of hooks and glass. (Yeah, you're going to die if you fail a Death save. Succeed, +1 permo CON)
  7. Live, burning, ant. (Extinguishes. Grants immunity to fire. Tasty)
  8. Curried liver (that actually cures poison at the cost of exhausting, explosive diahhrea). 
  9. Poison anemone thing, full of poison. (Insta death. Can be used as grenade, save vs death or die in 10' radius. 20% chance of bursting in hand=insta death)
  10. Screaming ginger bread men. (Gain hateful tulpa, gives bad advice, sometimes so bad, it's good, due to predictable vibe)

Goblin Guests  (Went here for names)

1.Dagskar Earscrapper  A fat goblin who fancies himself a detective of some sort, carries a big maginfying glass and has nothing to investigate.

 2.Naffgit Ukscragga A mutant mess of a goblin, his lower body, from neck down, resembling a centipede. Famously carried banner for the Goblin City during which battle, he lost all limbs. Was saved and rewarded. Bad tempered.

 3.Gubbinz The Jester. Unpredictable Jester who looks to bum everyone out.

4.Guthnog Brittlenose An old goblin selling candles formed from her own ear wax. Many of the wedding candles are her work, she is swift to point out.

 5.Firguka da Wierd A Gobin in a suit of metal armour constructed for the occasion, vaguely resembling a London gent, top hat and all. Wants out, is dying, slowly.

 6.Bogloba Longnose Just a serial killer with a 2 foot nose. Stalking other random guest when encountered. Is actaully very good baby sitter for humans.
 
 7.Guzzla .  Organ grinder with mobile organ on the back of human lobotomised ogre steed. Sort of a celebrity. Other random goblin will be seeking autograph.

 8.Mr Bogrot Stuntybane Reeking of perfume and quite the dandy. Ever so happy to have been invited but is panicking because he has no gift

 9.Kruggler . Famous worg racer, tiny but kind of resepcted. Occasionally Troll bodyguard tries to eat. Afraid to participate in joust.

 10.Lady Fikbata Arch-High Gitflicker, lady of the sewers, which she has kept spotless for seven generations. Hoping to find a mate of any race or creed.


 11.Da great Zambungo, a great shaman, surrounded by cloud of locusts. Actually mind has gone and is now possessed by curious insect spirit. Might be found eating shit. Cannot speak. Nobody notices, staying deferential.

 12.Grobgut Skewtooth . Jousting spider rider and ladies' goblin. Has an ancient charm that prevents him being pierced.

13.Niblut. Attending to guests needs at will, even though he is a guest. A born sycophant. Might act as a a guide. Will climb any social pole offered.

14. Lobbo Black Tooth  Has sentient, much smarter black tooth as a result of a mutation. Advises on matters astrological and has made quite the rep for Lobbo, hence his invite. Wants to be pulled and put in your head.

15. Madam Pogo Gookhead. Produces loaves of bread from her arsehole, much to the delight of everyone. Really good bread. Heals d8 hp per loaf.

 16.Jaim Pimplebum. She's always asleep, carried on a palanquin bed by human slaves whipped by scrawny, cruel goblins. Is tended by a loyal old goblin butler who speaks for her and presents her gifts. Is actually locked in some extra dimensional prison of your choice. 

 17.Sir Igi Dingleberry.  Llama trainer, trains llamas for jousting and war. Is mocked by Worg trainers/riders. His llamas are as good as high quality war horses and are each as smart as Lassy. Will give one away to the PC who volunteers to enter the joust whilst riding one.

 18.Bambrog Foothair. Has cultivated over 75 different diseases in her body, all held in equilibium by a peculair, chemistry set, ahrness she wears. Is able to access different diseases by turning different taps. If her harness is broken, she warps into a plague demon of some kind.

 19.Dimble Flatear. Drug addled, insensible. Picks fights with random animals/goblins. Son of Goblin King, so it is said. Everyone afraid of him.

 20.Skunklob the Hunchback. Hump contains hundreds of tiny cuttle fish things, which can be released into water. Water thus drunk, sees fish thing assert control over drinker. In this way she hopes to take over the Goblin Kingdom, starting with this wedding. Controls one random guest.

        I'd buy this if I wasn't generally skint and I'd not already done a goblin wedding


Bride

  1.  Goblin princess, family has huge dowry, is extremely ugly by human standards and by goblin standards, somehow, by some trick. Any groom will want to off her during the reception.
  2. A pig.
  3. A beautiful, human scullery maid, kidnapped and treated like royalty. Terrified, is going mad.
  4. A troll with a stitched on wig. Prone to extrme violence. Also emits powerful lust pheremone.
  5. An ambitous hobgoblin, seeking to become a goblin leader.
  6. A mechanical woman/golem, like in Metropolis, built for this purpose, sentient but essentially new born.
  7. A goblin warrior, known to collect the testicles of the fallen. Takes a shine to random PC.
  8. A goblin maid, possessed by 1: an ancient ghost 2: a demon 3:a wizard from another dimension. Why? 1: to set the wheels in motion. 2: accident 3: love
Groom 

  1. A goblin prince: penniless, connving,  murderous.
  2. A frog, claimed by his mother and father to be the subject of a curse. 50/50.
  3. An old human king, senile. His vanishing is a national crisis, but his marriage, would be a disaster. Yeah, his good wife, is dead.
  4. Just a giant goblin head in a wheel barrow. Born minus body. Very rich.
  5. A mad, goblin wizard, unfaithful, his eye on a random PC.
  6. A flesh golem with the brain of a dead goblin hero. Desperate for a suitable wand. I think that would be a good scenario.
  7. A semi sentient ooze in a hat.
  8. The Goblin King himself!

That ought to get you going, should you be particular enough to partner off your goblins.




Saturday, 5 November 2016

5e 'Conan' Barbarian Primal Path

 Here's a quick take on the missing 'Conan' primal path from 5e. There's an implicit sexism to Conan, which I've incorporated into the design. So go ahead and be a female Conan and rescue some prince or something. In this sense, it works pretty well as a kind of Amazon.


Stranger in a Strange Land
At 3rd level, when you adopt this path, you choose 2 bonus languages which you have picked up to survive (including abilty to read and write in those tongues). You gain a bonus language at 6th, 10th and 14th levels.  Also, you are considered dangerous and strange by civilised men, gaining advantage on intimdation checks amongst them.



 Cat amongst the Pigeons.
At 3rd level, when you adopt this path, you may enter a state of savage, uncaring joy when you make a Reckless Attack. After a successful hit , you may keep attacking as long as you keep hitting. Each hit after the first costs d4 hp, then 2d4 hp, then 4d4, then 8d4...(representing your lack of care for your own safety and defence). This state ignores damage resistance provided by entering a rage.

Savage Allure
  Beginning at 6th level, you gain advantage on attempts to seduce or command. Civilised enemies tend want to capture you, rather than kill (probably to torture you to death).

 Stirred by Beauty
Starting at 10th level, you Crit on a 19 or 20 and apply an extra damage die to said Crit. This bonus only applies whenever you are attempting to protect, rescue or aid a member of the opposite sex.



Know, oh Prince...
At 14th level, you gain advantage on any stunt like manoeuvres when you rage. The stakes of a failed stunt, must always be high (DM's discretion) to qualify for this effect.

Thursday, 3 November 2016

The Estate: A horrible LotFP setting/game/brain expulsion.





The Estate is maybe Belfast in the early 70s or perhaps Manchester in the late 80s, or it could be Glasgow in the mid 90s. It is streets and tips and cornershops and cellars. It is Sectarian Pubs, brothels, Catholic bedrooms. It is warehouse raves and rusty parks and canal bridges. It is disused cotton factories,  family kitchens,yards backing onto alleys and empty football pitches.






People keep  pretending they can leave,  but they can't. They collect and hoard hearts. They don't know why. Monsters live in places,  but there's no acknowledgement. It's always night.Nobody ever remembers the monsters.  They are unrecognisable, psych, horrors.

The TV always has something to watch.

If you try to leave,  somebody appears in a car and begins chasing you.

There are hidden ways out. Voivodja is a good bet. The gatekeepers, if such exist, probably want hearts. Yeah, they're a bit like hearts in Zelda.

You have grown up here. Or maybe you haven't (there's nothing stopping this being an awful kind of demi plane...like Ravenloft meets Trainspotting).  Somebody told you you can leave with enough hearts.  Everyone thinks you're mad and that there's no problem.



For now, we can use LotFP as our basis.You could definitely have published LotFP  adventures happen here, but you'd obviously modify them to fit. Everything is re-skinned, in British neuroses (for the purposes of this idea, neuroses is skin). Everything is twisted by the worst fears of the British middle classes....the nightmares they imagine are perpetrated by the 'lower orders'.

    Valentina Ferrandes 'Council Estate'

Clerics are drag queens (you already know what these are America)

Fighters are local hard men

Rogues are scallies

Wizards are crusties .

There are no direct damage spells. Plus the wizard or cleric must be high as fuck. Did it really happen? I don't know. Maybe we imagined the whole thing.



XP is gained on a £ for £ basis. However,  XP will not get you off the estate.

The police arrive when the estate stress meter reaches a certain point (let's say 10). Different actions, cause more stress. Certain actions decrease stress.  The police are obviously Pigs in Uniforms. They beat and maim wantonly. Those they arrest, are never seen again.

The Estate is randomly generated.

Potions and such, are rendered as local alternatives eg: special brew super strength lager. Interesting because the players are relying upon the DMs interpretation of local myths.

...which is precisely the the point.

But this is my game haze,  so the laws of my experience (?) prevail.

Biscuit factories, rat infested tow paths, super market closes at 9.
Serial killer's attics, defaced mosques, Chinese chip shops.
Shite fairgrounds, guard dogs in car parks, stalled developments.

Steps to Play

1. Generate estate. Use a die drop method on the chart below if you like. It will probably work. Connect wth lines. Make those lines streets.
2. Generate characters
3. Stress level at zero
4. Take characters out into the streets,  played as a crawl.

Yes, there's some grim stuff on here. Rape, for instance. I'm not sure how one could approach the idea of urban monstrosity without considering that (to use another example) paedophiles are a part of British, urban myth/nightmare (and awful truth).



I don't know if it's playable yet. I'll give it a go and maybe write about it.